Bakura The Therapist
by ohkami majin
Summary: [one shot]What happens when Bakura has to spend a day as a therapist? Utter chaos. Rated PG13 for inevitable language.


Disclaimer: Let's see I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, Yu Yu Hakusho, Dragon Knights, Pokemon, or anything else I forgot to mention here.  
  
A/N: This is a little story I wrote mainly for the purpose of amusing myself. It's about Yami Bakura, who has been dubbed Yami B for this particular story.  
  
It was a brisk, beautiful spring day. There wasn't a cloud in the sky, and the sun was brightly shining right into the window of a very peculiar looking office.  
  
'This sucks.' Yami B thought to himself.  
  
'What are you talking about, Yami, it's a beautiful day.' Ryou chimed.  
  
"How did I wind up doing this anyway?" Yami B said aloud, ignoring his other half.  
  
'You lost a bet with the pharaoh, remember?'  
  
"Pfft, what a stupid bet, who really plays video games anyway? And whose idea was this ra forsaken bet?"  
  
'Yours.' Ryou laughed.  
  
Yami B looked around the room with a cynical expression on his face. His new office was cramped, although it mostly only contained his desk and a couch for his patient to lie on.  
  
"So basically I have to sit here all day and takes notes on peoples dysfunctional lives because I have better things to do than learn how to play video games? This blows."  
Just then a short, shaky man with a shiny head walked into the room.  
  
"H-h-hello. M-my name is J-J-Joe."  
  
"Yeah, yeah that's great. Just sit down and let's get this over with." Yami B said hastily.  
  
"O-ok." Joe replied.  
  
'Just do me a favor, Yami, don't make them any worse off than they already are' Ryou said, no longer amused by his Yami's angst.  
So Joe rambled on for a few hours about his messed up life and the evils of ketchup. Yami B spent most of that time doodling pictures of him torturing Yami for putting him through this on his clipboard.  
  
"...A-and that's h-how I got my s-s-stutter."  
Yami B snapped back to attention, 'finally he shuts up.'  
  
"Wow, aren't you glad you got that off your chest? Now get out of here...NEXT!"  
Joe left the room and shortly after a woman entered. As she walked through the door she grabbed something shiny of a nearby shelf and casually stuffed it in her pocket. A normal person wouldn't have noticed, but Yami B did. However, the stuff in here didn't really belong to him and he didn't really give a crap what the woman took.  
  
"So, what's your problem?" He asked her, ignoring that she had stuffed yet another item off of a shelf, this time a ceramic cat, into her pocket.  
  
"Actually, I don't have a problem, I was forced to come here. Oh, and my Name's Naomi."  
  
"Well, Naomi, there must be something wrong with you, I can think about at least 10 things wrong with everyone I know. So why were you forced to come here?" Yami B added, getting impatient with her wasting his timing and stealing pointless junk from his office.  
  
"Because I'm a 'kleptomaniac'" She replied, accenting the word as if repeating someone else.  
  
"Really?" Yami B asked, now amused, "What a coincidence, me too!"  
  
"No way! Wait, if you're a kleptomaniac, them why are you a therapist?"  
  
"A bet..." Yami B replied.  
So they started to talk about stealing things and god knows what else. At one point Yami B got excited and let out one of his 'muahhahahahaha' laughs. A few of the patient in the waiting room looked around very uneasily. Some people got up and slowly left the building. One little boy, who had horrible acne, glasses, braces and a lot of bruises, started to cry. His mother yelled at him to shut up or she was going to send him off to boot camp again. Heh, I wonder why that one's in therapy...  
  
"Anyway, I don't seemed to find anything wrong with you. You're free to go. And make sure to work on that technique."  
  
"Ok, thanks for the tips, bye!" Naomi said as she left the room. The people still in the waiting room watched her, as if to see a sign of what went wrong, but she walked out with a smile on her face, stealing the little boy's wallet as she left.  
  
Yami B waited in his room for his next patient to arrive. 'I think that went well.' He said to his aibou. 'Well...I suppose you could say that, although you're supposed to cure your patients, not give them pointers.' Ryou answered. Then Yami B's next patient entered the room. It was a redheaded young girl- no wait! A redheaded boy. He seemed enough like a girl though, with long silky red hair, vivid green eyes and smile, and...pink clothes? Ok that was a little weird. 'What could possible be wrong with THIS one?' Yami B thought sarcastically.  
  
"So...what's your name and your problem?"  
  
"You thought I was a girl, didn't you?" Kurama asked him.  
  
"Wha-?"  
  
"You thought I was a girl, right? Everyone does. It's just not fair. I can't help that I look like a girl. Sure...I could cut my hair, but I like it this way, and I have my mother's eyes, you know. Sure I use a rose as a weapon, but my attacks are perfectly manly. And I can't help the clothes...IT'S A SCHOOL UNIFORM!!!"  
Kurama went into what very much seemed to Yami B like a mental breakdown. So Yami B laughed for a minute, then pushed a button on the side of his desk. Some men in white coats came in to take Kurama to the "gender challenged" section of the nut house.  
  
"NEXT!" Yami B shouted, a pleased smirk on his face.  
A young man with a green jacket, blonde hair and a horrible Brooklyn accent walked into the room. Ryou's mental jaw dropped. It was Jonouchi!  
  
"Hey...I have 'dis problem, see-"  
  
"Trust me, there's nothing I can do for you," Yami B cut in, "So just leave now. NEXT"  
Another man entered the room. This one had spiky black hair, and white bangs. He sat down on the couch and looked at Yami B.  
  
"You're not a demon, are you?" Rath asked.  
  
"No." Yami B replied, thinking it was a VERY stupid question, coming from what looked to him like a VERY stupid person. (Does anyone not look stupid to him?)  
  
"Good, 'cuz if you were I'd have to kill you...You see, I have an obsession with hunting demons...even though I am one. I'm also horribly suicidal. I wish so badly that I could die, but this woman, Cesia's her name, wont let me. She got kind of worried about my problem and forced mw to come here." Rath said casually.  
  
"Well, this is simple. Just kill yourself and get it over with. Oh, and if that damn woman tries to get in your way kill her too. NEXT!"  
Yet another young man walked into the room. (This story is making me feel awfully sexist.) This one had insanely spiked reddish-brown hair. His shirt was half tucked in, and he had one of his sleeves rolled up. His eye color was undistinguishable due to the fact that he was wearing sunglasses.  
  
"HI! My name is Kaz! And I have seriously bad ADD!" He said.  
  
"And you expect me to help this how?" Yami B asked him.  
  
"Did you know Dir En Grey is an awesoooome band?"  
  
"I'm sure they are, but why are you here?" Yami B asked again, getting irritated that he was being ignored.  
  
"Huh? Sorry, I wasn't listening to you."  
  
"YOU ARE THE MOST HORRIBLY ANNOYING PERSON I'VE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE TO MEET! THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE PROBLEM IS!!" Yami B screamed, now truly pissed at his latest patient.  
  
"Heh, EJ says that same thing."  
  
"I honestly don't think years of therapy could help you. Now just go and takes some Ritalin, although I'm sure it won't do much either. NEXT"  
Again, a young man entered the office. Yami B looked, he actually recognized this guy! It was Shuichi Shindou from Bad Luck! God, how Yami B hated Bad Luck.  
  
"Hi, um I have a problem. I'm in love with this guy, but he acts like he hates me. I do everything I can to prove myself to him, and everyday he's more horrible to me! I just don't understand!!!"  
  
"...NEXT!"  
ANOTHER young man entered the room. He was wearing a white baggy T- shirt, which read "ATARI" and ripped blue jeans. His reddish-brown and black hair fell to the back of his neck. Between his dark glasses and long bangs, his eye color was difficult to distinguish; though they looked as though they might be black. He sat down on Yami B's couch.  
  
"My name is Nao...and I am a geek." He said, sounding almost proud of himself.  
  
"Well, I can see that." Yami B said to him.  
  
'Yami! You shouldn't discourage your patients like that...' Ryou scolded.  
  
'Well, it is obvious that he's a geek. He doesn't deny it, why should I?'  
  
"Yeah...well," Nao said, slightly embarrassed, "everyone at school made fun of me, and I've finally decided I want to change my ways."  
  
"And I'm supposed to help you do this how?" Yami B asked. It seemed like everyone who came to him today had had some stupid problem that shouldn't be brought to a therapist.  
  
"Well...you could hypnotize me to not like video games so much anymore. Oh, but I would miss my video games a lot. Especially like Soul Calibur 2! Boy, do I love that game, great graphics, great controls, great characters..."  
He started to go into a rant about video games. An extremely hyperactive rant, at that. Yami B tried to block it out, but after a few minutes of failing he pushed the little button on his desk again. The men in white coats returned, this time to take Nao to the "I'm a dork, kick me" section of the nut house.  
  
'Yami...' Ryou said, exasperatedly.  
  
"What? He was crazy, that's what you're supposed to do with crazy people."  
  
'No, that's what schools are supposed to do to crazy kids, but you're a therapist. You're supposed to help them get over whatever problem they have, not fill the nut house with them. At least you only have one patient left, that way you have fewer lives to screw up.'  
A kid with black hair and a horrible red and white hat entered the room. He had a strange yellow creature, what appeared to be a rat sitting on his shoulder.  
  
"And what on Earth is wrong with you?" Yami B asked him.  
  
"Well, I'm suffering from depression. Oh yeah, and my name is Satoshi."  
  
"PIKAA!" The little thing said.  
  
"And I almost forgot, this is Pikachu."  
  
Yami B rolled his eyes. He now recognized that little thing as a pokemon. 'Oh come on, that fad is over.' He thought to himself.  
  
"So, why is it you're depressed?"  
  
"Well, you see a few years back I debuted as the lead on a show. Oh and so did Pikachu," he said, seeing the rat's annoyed face, "Well, the show hit off real big and it was super popular, but now no one really watches it. My fame is gone and now all people ever seem to do is make jokes about how uncool I am. And it's not even my fault, this new show came around, 'Yu Gi Oh' it's called, and totally blew pokemon away. It became the next big thing, and Pokemon was just forgotten because of it. Hey, wait a minute! Are you one of the cast members of Yu Gi Oh?"  
  
"Yes, it just so happens I am." Yami B said, snickering. He was happy that he'd taken part in causing this person's misery. At the same time, Ryou was mentally frowning, he obviously felt bad for what had happened to Satoshi.  
  
"Why do these things always happen to me? I have the worse luck ever." Satoshi said.  
  
"Pi-pika!" Pikachu agreed (disagreed?).  
  
"Well," Yami B said, "You'll just have to move on. Everyone else stopped caring about that ra-forsaken show, and so should you. Instead of wallowing in distress, get off your ass and go get a job at another show."  
  
Ok, I will" Satoshi said, sounding newly inspired.  
  
"Pi-pikachu PIKA!" Pikachu said excitedly, waving its arms around.  
  
And Satoshi left the room actually cured of the disorder he'd come here for. O.O  
  
'I think that last session was the best advice you'd given all day. Though your delivery was a little off.' Ryou said to his Yami, as they were closing up shop for the day.  
  
"No, I think I gave my best advice to Naomi, kleptomania really is my area of expertise. It's just too bad this is only a one-day thing, I think I'm rather good at it."  
  
'--' Was Ryou's only response.  
Yami B put everything back into order and locked his office, returning the key to the receptionist as he left. When he exited the building he found Yami waiting for him, leaning against the wall.  
  
"So, how'd it go?" Yami asked smugly.  
  
"Well, it was boring as hell, but I certainly helped a few people out over the course of the day." Ryou rolled his mental eyes back inside his soul room.  
  
"I'd need to see that to believe it." Yami said.  
  
"That's not a problem at all, because I stole the tape out of the security camera on my way out." Yami B replied, smirking.  
  
"Why am I not surprised?"  
  
Da End   
  
I'm going to put a list of which character is from where here, in case people were confused.  
  
Yami B, Ryou, Jounouchi and Yami are all from Yu-Gi-Oh.  
  
Joe, Naomi, Kaz and Nao are all OC. My friend invented Nao.  
  
Kurama is from Yu Yu hakusho.  
  
Rath is from Dragon Knights. This anime wasn't actually aired in a America, but the manga is out from Tokyopop.  
  
Satoshi is from Pokemon. He's more commonly know around here as Ash.  
  
I'd also like to point out that I have no intention of making fun of people with ADD. I have it myself, and the character Kaz is a joke between my friend and I about me. He doubles as my muse.  
  
Please R&R. Pretty please... 


End file.
